literature

small talk

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Literature Text

he doesn't do small talk; never has done in the seven-or-so years i've known him. he's a cut-to-the-chase kind of guy i met in a down-town pub. i'd been drinking – he hadn't – and he lent me an arm for the three miles home.
"irresponsible… alone… could have been hurt…” - the only snatches of his tirade i remember now.

we met again, a week later, in that same down-town pub. i bought him a drink - a thank you (soft, of course) - and basked in his approval at my own orange and lemonade. i once swore i’d never change for any man.

we got talking, there in the bar. the hum of the underage youths larking around by the pool table and the sound of whatever song was favourite that day faded away. we talked on our island, our utopia, until my ten o'clock curfew brought it down around our feet.
          he walked me home again, and on my doorstep i pulled away from
          his tentative searching lips.

i started waiting just to see his faded denim jacket in the pub doorway, or at the corner shop, amongst the hoards of schoolchildren grubbing through the pick ‘n’ mix. he’d catch my eye and we’d share a smile – recognition, nothing more – and i’d be left wondering whether he’d been hoping for a one-night-stand.

he proved me wrong fourteen days later when we met in a haze of second-hand cigarette smoke at our usual spot, and he kissed me under the dimming lights of the bar. he tasted of coffee--
        and i was lost

we laughed together at the blood-spurting, eye-rolling chalk complexions of our first-official-date horror film until the middle-aged couple in the row in front had us sent out. we walked by the river instead, despite my protests against romance.

our first i-love-yous were a muted affair: he spoke first, i smiled as i wound a daisy chain in my hair, trying to look nonchalant but not quite succeeding.
        “i love you too.”

he doesn't do small talk: that's why i'm uneasy as he drums his nails on the bar and comments absently on the weather (for someone who objects to "unnecessary chatter," he can certainly compete with the best of them).
"nice day out today…" am i imagining the tremor in his voice?

"we could walk in the park?" no. i'm imagining nothing. i nod and pull myself from the worn leather stool as i've done so many many times before. we walk, palm in slightly-damp palm like first-time lovers learning the rules.

we're silent for a while. he snakes an arm around my waist and i draw close to him without a second thought. it takes him only minutes. like i said, he's not one for beating around the bush. to say i'm shocked by his words is an understatement. or did i secretly hope all along? i picture myself in white, smiling…

he's impatient, watching, silent, but he's got one thing right(or two):
        now's not the time for small talk when a single syllable will do.
I was reading the newspaper and one of the headlines was 'HE DOESN'T DO SMALL TALK'. I have no idea how this became this, and there are some rough parts that need work, but yeah.

I'd greatly appreciate any responses to the following:
:bulletorange: is the progression of events too rushed? especially towards the end...
:bulletorange: are there any specific lines you think are clumsy or don't work well? and of course, are there any you like and do work well?

Edit:
I acted upon suggestions from ~helice93 and *Nightflower36. Thank you both for your comments. <3

Edit 2:
Thank you all so much for your comments, constructive critisisms and critiques of this piece. I've tried to take as much into account as I could, although it's never possible to please everyone. I'd love for some comments on this new version as I've worked hard to (hopefully) improve it. A special thank you to =bowie-loon123 for her detailed critique.

Edit, 17/06/11: I got a DLD. I have to keep checking it's not a joke. It's not, right? This is a huge thing for me so thank you to =bowie-loon123 for suggesting my piece, and to ~SadisticIceCream for featuring it. :heart:
© 2011 - 2024 justlittlemusings
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bowie-loon123's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Hi Sandy! I remember you requesting a critique for this and your comment on my most recent work reminded me. Sorry for the delay! I find it hard to settle into critiques unless I'm in a certain mind-frame. Bear in mind that everything I say here is merely my opinion and that it's entirely your choice what you make of it (and I don't claim to be any expert!). <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/>

Anyway, enough rambling and onto the critique! First, I will answer your specific questions (this will take up the bulk of my critique):

Is the progression of events too rushed? Especially towards the end...

In my view, yes. The first section is acceptable in terms of progression. I feel it's as cut-to-the-chase as the character you describe. It does well to describe the protagonist's relationship with the man. Despite it's brevity, it's brought out effectively and has a good rhythm.

The only thing I could think of is the protagonist seems to be rushing from detail to detail, eager to move to the second section. The only feeling I grasp is uncertainty from reading it personally and the clear idea towards the end of the section that she's keen but still unsure. I'm sure there's more going through her mind than that. You don't have to be too detailed - the hints of subtlety is what makes this piece effective - but I think slowing the first section down just a little may be beneficial.

However, it feels as though a whole chunk is missing between the first and second section. The protagonist seems to switch from uncertain towards the prospect of romance to suddenly desiring it. Such a scenario can work perfectly well, but in this piece it feels as though something is missing, as though you have moved from beginning to end rapidly without an explanation as to what changed her mind.

Perhaps switching it around or adding a middle section would help this piece flow better. You have good rhythm and a knack for drawing your reader in, but you need to work on flow/progression. However, I think it will come in time with more practice.

Are there any specific lines that you think are clumsy or don't work well? And of course, are there any you like and do work well?

I think your word choice works well for the most part but your punctuation irritated me in some places. Although it’s probably only me, I thought it’d still be worth pointing out. I feel you use too many full stops, commas and such in several instances which makes certain sentences a little awkward. If you altered the punctuation slightly it would probably improve the piece a little. I can tell you it makes a difference! I'll give you some examples:

"he doesn't do small talk. never has done in the seven-or-so years i've known him.

The full stop between the first and second sentence should really be a semicolon.

"we met again, a week later, in that same down-town pub and i brought him a drink - a thank you - soft, of course, and basked in his approval at my own orange and lemonade."

This is a nice sentence: Well-written and atmospheric. However, it's quite clunky and awkward due to the punctuation. There's too many commas and this could easily be chopped down for the purpose of flow, like this:

"we meet again a week later in that same down-town pub. i bought him a drink - a thank you (soft, of course) - and basked in his approval at my orange and lemondade."

In my opinion, two shorter sentences flows much better in this instance. The commas are used sparingly so that there are no awkward interruptions and it's more correct all around.

"we got talking, there in the bar, and the hum of the underage youths larking around by the pool table (ignored by the barman for whom their passing resemblance to cousin tom was enough), and the sound of whatever song was favourite that day, they faded away."

Once again, pouring so much into one sentence sounds rather clunky and could flow much better. I had to read this line more than once because there was too much going on. Again, this can easily be resolved:

"we got talking there in the bar. the hum of the underage youths larking around the pool table and the sound of whatever song was favourite that day faded away."

Two sentences works better than one. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n…" width="15" height="15" alt=":nod:" title="Nod"/>

I chose to remove "(ignored by the barman for whom their passing resemblance to cousin tom was enough)" because for me it's too awkward. I think it could be removed completely without any great sacrifice, or merely changed a little. It interrupts the flow significantly here.

Here's the last one:

"he doesn't do small talk, and that's why i'm uneasy as he drums his nails on the bar and comments absently on the weather. (for someone who objects to "unnecessary chatter" he can certainly compete with the best of them.)"

This one is a lot less significant, but I still wanted to correct it because the changes are pretty simple:

"he doesn't do small talk: that's why i'm uneasy as he drums his nails on the bar and comments absently on the weather (for someone who objects to "unnecessary chatter," he can certainly compete with the best of them)."

I chose a colon between "talk" and "that's" because too many "and"s can result in clunky, run-on sentences. Sometimes it's used as a technique of sorts in writing, but it doesn't always work. The only other thing I amended is taking out two full stops, since as a rule you shouldn't use a full stop before inserting parenthesis or within it (unless it consists of two sentences).

These are just some punctuation ideas which will help in terms of flow and structure. If you ever struggle I recommend reading up on punctuation a little. It really can be the difference between a good piece and a great piece.

More positive points

I. I like the lack of capitalization; I feel it adds a nice, aesthetic appeal to the piece. It can be a risky move but you pulled it off well here.

II. I love the closing line; it makes the piece click shut nicely (and the rhyming of "two" and "do" definitely adds to that). Nice touch. The only let down for that is the rushed progression as mentioned above but it's an excellent line to end with.

III. I also enjoyed the ambiguity surrounding the narrator's gender, particularly in the beginning.

IV. It's nice seeing the bond progress as they get absorbed in their own little world too at the end of the first section. The nervousness of the man in the beginning of the second section is also a sweet, subtle addition.

Ratings and conclusion

Vision: 3 stars because the descriptions are vivid and easy to digest mostly, but could be better by simply mastering punctuation and expanding on the piece.

Originality: 3 stars again simply because it's not entirely original, but hardly entirely unoriginal either. You at least present this romantic relationship in slightly different manner, so kudos for that.

Technique: 3.5 stars because of those errors in terms of flow, punctuation and progression. Your technique is overall rather nice. Your voice is easy to read and your word choice as a whole is quite lovely. That said, I feel you are still finding your voice and with re-drafting this piece will be that much stronger.

Impact: 3 stars because the opening and closing lines are brilliant and the characters are realistic. However, as outlined in the critique, a few sentences are clunky and one or two required re-reading (an interruption of flow is never a good thing). The transition between both sections was a bit jarring.

Overall, I think this piece is generally well-written with a lot of potential, but feels like a first draft and not a finished story by any means. However, the foundation is strong and the characterization is impressive. You simply need to rework this into a more well-rounded and structured piece. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n…" width="15" height="15" alt=":nod:" title="Nod"/>

I hope this helps and that nothing I said has offended you. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="38" height="15" alt=":hug:" title="Hug"/> Remember that my critique doesn't consist of any attacks, only suggestions. Good luck! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/>